As a father

As a father, I have become much more sensitive to things that I had no clue about before.

In a book that I am reading, there is a scene where a family is the unfortunate victim of a violent act, one that was intended for just the father, but ended with the whole family perishing. In the past, this would not have gripped me as much; not to say that I was indifferent, just that I could not grasp the depth of this kind of tragedy. Now, I read something like this, and I am on the verge of tears.

Being a parent is a blessing, a good challenge, and full of happy moments; there is also a constant worry, almost a terror, the lingers in the back of a parent’s mind. What if… and because of that, we become more sensitive (usually) to the unfortunate things that happen around us.

Time to get back on track

Ok, I’ve spent enough time avoiding this blog. You know that feeling that you get when you feel that there is something you’re supposed to do, but can’t get around to it, so you avoid it for awhile? That’s where I’ve been for awhile.

Well, it’s time to get back in to the swing of posting, and trying to be a bit more consistent, even if it is just a quick post that amounts to the blog equivalent of a facebook status update.

I’ve also decided that I want to be a bit more open, less self-censoring, and honest about what is going on, and not worry about what others think. Chances are, not many people read this blog in the first place, and if they are offended with me trying to be honest about being a human, their issue is with themselves, and not with me.

It’s summer time, I’m mostly finished with my time at CAJ, and we’re looking ahead to going to YWAM in late September. We are still a long way off from having the finances needed to get there, but we keep praying. Nerve racking as all get out though.

Hopefully this won’t be the last post that I manage to do (seeing as the last post is over a year ago… oops). I need to update my iPhone’s version of wordpress so that I can keep things updated better.

Wanting to move forward…

So, I’m at the point of wanting to move on to new things, but am stuck.

I like working at CAJ, but don’t like some of the detaily-squabbly stuff that happens.

I am hoping to start my own gym, but that will take a few years to accomplish, I fear.

Meg wants to move to a new place, and while I enjoy moving, the thought of buying a house is a bit scary to me.

Our kids are young. I enjoy being a father, but I do miss taking Meg out on dates at times.

All things have a purpose and a time. We’ll see where things go. I know God has a plan. Please keep us in your prayers!

The future

I had been thinking that maybe this school year might be my last at CAJ. There are a lot of reasons for this, chief among of which are my desire to start my own CrossFit affiliate gym.

I’ve decided to stay on for at least another year, maybe two.

There are a lot of reasons for this, one of which is the financial stability that my current job would give me in paying off my college loans. If all goes as planned, I should be done with the loans in two years or less.

I’m also hoping that some of the whispers about potential changes will come true. My job description will hopefully change a bit for next year, and I am praying that I will be able to be a full-time teacher and not have maintenance as part of my job description.

Christmas spirit

There are many things to look forward to at Christmas time: the significance of Christ’s coming, spending time with family, enjoying great seasonal food, and of course, the giving and getting of presents. And along with all of that, Christmas shows.

However, there’s one show (among the thousands out there) that always gets to me in a good way: ‘Christmas Eve on Sesame Street’.

The scene that gets me is when Bert and Ernie struggle to find presents for each other. Bert decides to get a soap dish for Ernie’s rubber ducky, and Ernie decides to get a cigar box for Bert’s paper clip collection. Not having any money (they’re muppets… How do they make rent?!), they go to Mr. Hooper and exchange their prized possessions (rubber ducky and the paper clips) for the gifts that they want to give.

For puppets, they do a life-like representation of the pain that comes with giving up something dear for a friend. It’s good enough to get me close to choking up, despite the shameless use of a classic story.

Giving up our dearest possessins for our closest friends… It’s too bad that this theme is reserved for Christmas, and to a less highlighted extent (in the media), Easter. What would you do for your closest of friends?

I had the chance to reconnect, face to face (through a computer screen…), with such a friend. This is a friend who would move mountains for me despite the cost to himself, and I would do the same for him. He is as dear as a brother to me, and I wish that he wasn’t on the other side of the globe from me. I miss him very deeply.

Mickey, I hope you know I would give up my ‘rubber ducky’ or ‘paper clip collection’ for you.

Burn out

I think I’m just about at the point of burn out.

It’s funny, being a healthy teacher allows me to take a step back every now and then and understand what is happening to/around/within me. Ironically, most of my classes have gone through the stress unit. My students could explain to you why I’m feeling burned out, and what kinds of things are happening within my body and in my mind. Education in action

Let me tell you about stress. First of all, most people have it wrong: stress is your body’s reaction to a stressor. Homework is not stress. Ena crying in the middle of the night is not stress. Having a good workout is not stress. These are all examples of stressors, or things that cause stress. The reaction to that stressor is what we feel as stress: heart rate goes up, adrenaline starts pumping, emotions go wacky, etc. Stressors can cause two different kinds of reactions: distress, which is negative stress, and eustress, which is positive stress. When you have to do something that you don’t want to do, you are probably experiencing distress. When you have a good meal, a good conversation, or do something fun, you experience eustress. Stressors cause different reactions within people: what I find to be distressful you might find causes eustress. I like exercise; some people are almost allergic to it.

When we experience stress, you go through 3 stages. The first stage is the alarm stage, commonly known as the ‘fight or flight’ response. The second stage is the resistance stage, where you are adapting to continual stress and dealing with things. This is the ‘barely floating’ point in the stress response. You are pushed to your limits, but you can still handle it. Unfortunately, if the stressor continues, or more stressors are brought in, we enter the exhaustion stage. At this point, you are done, burned out, getting sick, feeling hopeless, tired, irritable, and just plain out of it. Most times it is something small that pushes us over into the exhaustion stage. It’s the ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’.

Recently I was talking to my mom about this. I really do feel burned out. Going to work is just that: going to a job. It’s not the fun, exciting thing that it used to be. It’s what I do to pay rent and put food on the table. At this point in time, I feel like I’m going to work because I enjoy hanging out with the students, and because I can have unlimited free access to a pretty decent school gym. And of course, to pay rent, put food on the table, and to keep my family stocked on diapers for the two kids. Mom pointed out that it’s probably the combination of wrestling season starting, a new baby in the house, the in-laws having been here for a long time, a job that keeps changing (more on that in another post sometime), and (this is just my opinion) some classes that are completely draining due to tired out students who themselves are in the exhaustion stage.

I need to remember to ask God to give me the strength to make it through each day. I shouldn’t be living for the weekends when, in all honesty, I have a pretty great job. I’ve just got to hang in there, focus on the eternal, and know that it’s worth doing.

I know I can make it.

Juggling

Life is a juggling act.

Recently, my juggling act became more complicated. My daughter Ena was born a month ago, and wrestling season started last week. I’m the head coach this year.

Also, Meg’s mother left Sunday morning. She had stayed with us for a month to help with the baby. This means one less person at home to spend time taking care of Lochlan, helping Meg with diapers, bathing the kids, cleaning the house, and cooking.

All this adds together to make life busier for Meg and I. We had just gotten our equillibrium in our marriage, with my work, and child raising, and now we have even more to juggle. And since I’m at work most of the day and most days out of the week, that means that Meg takes the brunt of the juggling. I don’t like seeing Meg going through stress.

I figure I can look at it two ways: that life is hard, this is stressful, why are the kids crying, not another diaper, etc. Or, I can look at it as a challenge, one that we can get through if we communicate well and serve each other, if we look to God for strength, and remind ourselves that these stressors won’t last forever.

I admit, I’m not always in the mindset of choice #2. It is easy to turn inward, be selfish, and be a part of the problem. It takes work and commitment to think of things in the way that I should be. I’ve found that going the first way might feel easier in the short run, but it causes more problems later that day. The secod way is more tiring at first, but living with a happy, supported wife is much less stressful in the long run.

I’ve just got to get my act together and do my part for the family. God, please give me the patience and wisdom to do so!

Still digesting

I’m still processing all that I learned during my trip to Okinawa over two months ago.

I had the opportunity to get my CrossFit Level 1 trainer’s certificate in September. This doesn’t require a test or anything to achieve; you are certified by going through the weekend intensive seminar. The weekend is full of demonstrations, interesting lectures, practice, and intense workouts.

I learned a lot that weekend, and not just about CrossFit; I learned a lot about myself, what I want in life, and what it means to be a trainer. I know that I want to help people succeed, reach personal goals, and be a part of people’s lives. I think I would put this weekend on the top ten life-changing events list.

I still find myself reflecting on the experience and the things that I learned. Sometimes the memories will come flashing into my mind, and others times I’ll sit and ponder what I learned. I filled up a notebook with notes and thoughts from the sessions; I still have a lot to digest.

One thing I know for sure is that fitness, true fitness, is a deep and complicated thing. Our society does not lend itself to producing fitness; it is not a priority anymore. Not many have reached their potential, and very few are interested in doing so. There are so many issues, physical, mental, social, AND spiritual that connect to poor fitness, it is scary. So much of the pain people experience daily could be reduced and removed if they would just give a little time to improving their fitness.

The specifics of what I learned will come up from time to time probably. For now, I’m still letting my meal settle.

The scariness of the internet

I spent some time today working on some research as part of a professional development seminar happening at CAJ. My topic? Web 2.0. Web 2.0 includes everything from youtube to wikipedia to faceboook. This blog is an example of web 2.0. It allows people to network, connect, think, and produce on a greater scale than what people used to be able to do. It’s a great tool.

On the other hand, web 2.0 is scary. Very scary. The things that we put up on the internet can stay up for a long long time. Facebook ins’t as private as we wish it would be. The things that we say, do, see, and believe can be put on the net and be kept on file for a long, long time. It adds a new depth to the Bible verse that talks about ‘the things that are done in secret will be shouted from the roof tops.’

Just something to think about.

Rotten

Despite being cognisant of the fact that I live in a fallen world, I am still caught off guard at times when I am confronted with the true depth of our fall.

Meg, Lochlan, and I almost witnessed a suicide today. We had gone to the hospital to get a ’4-D’ sonogram, and were getting ready to go downtown to walk around. We had just about gotten into Kiyose train station from the skyway when we heard an express train blare it’s horn and come to a screeching stop. At first I thought that it was mechanical trouble or almost an accident. There wasn’t any blood or body parts that I could see, and I had always assumed that a human body colliding with a fast moving train would fall apart. The conductor came out and looked under the train cars without showing any signs of revulsion or discomfort, furthering my guess (and hope) that it was mechanical failure.

Unfortunately, my hope was crushed when police stepped onto the tracks and laid down a white sheet over something that had been flung to the side. Mercifully, I didn’t see it and neither did Meg, but I heard some people talking about an ankle. Meg and I decided we didn’t want to stick around to watch and left the train station. As we left, I did see some surreal things on the tracks, things that looked too much like they were from some 80s action flick to be real. There wasn’t much, but there was some stuff there.

We spent some time at Starbucks decompressing and talking it out. That helped.

If our appointment had finished a little bit earlier, or if we had gotten to the station just a bit faster, chances are we would have seen it. I’m glad that my family was spared that spectacle, but there were a number of families on the platfrom when it happened. I pray that they are able to sleep tonight.

This hits me on multiple levels. Like I wrote at the beginning of this post, this event was a real confrontation with the fallen nature of our world. Let me explain.

First of all, it may not have been a suicide. It may have been someone dehydrated and weak from the hot day losing their balance at the wrong time. In a fallen world, life can be snuffed out in a moment of unexpected chance.

On the other hand, it could have been a suicide, meaning that this person was so beset with hardship that they felt there was nowhere to go but into the grave. Only in a world as fallen as ours could there be so much suffering and hopelessness that death seems like a better choice.

Another scenario that my wife pointed out: there is a mental hospital in Kiyose. This may have been a mentally sick or impared person making a mistake or not seeing reality. Again, a sign of a fallen world. People weren’t meant to be like that.

In Japan, when a person commits suicide by train, the family of the deceased is forced to pay for (at least some) of the losses the train company incurred due to the interruption to their timetable. This is hard enough to swallow, but the next thing is even worse: did you know that the Chuo line has the most suicides mainly due to the fact that thy charge the least for the disruption? People actually take the time to think, ‘life sucks, I need to end it, but I want to be as little of a burden on my family as possible.’ If a person has at least that much interest and care for their family’s well-being, don’t they have something to live for?

I know that God cries for His children. I know that God risked everything and sent Christ to give us hope. But I also know that God risked everything when He gave us free will. I just wished more of us would freely turn back to Him.